Combining Finances: Starting to Date

This post is the second post of a series on Combining Finances.

When two people begin to date, money is often the last thing that they want to talk about. However, money can also begin to cause a number of problems early in the relationship that may not be able to be repaired unless they are quickly and properly addressed.

When a man and a woman go out on a date - who pays? For a number of decades, this was not even a question that ought to be asked. The man would take the woman on the date, and he would pay for the meal, or the movie, or the drinks. Alongside equal employment and wages, however, came a shift towards equal payment on dates. A man and a woman would go out on a date, and they might each pay for their own meal. Or, they might take turns paying for dates, switching between them in order to simplify the dates. No longer can a woman assume that her boyfriend will pay for all of their dates.

Addressing the "who pays for dates" question is one that should come up early on in the dating relationship. It's not the only question that will arise, and its not the only one that must be answered. What happens when one invites the other over for dinner? Does one pay for all the food, and is that going to be reciprocated?

When Ashley and I started to date, we spent the majority of the time at her apartment. My apartment was shared with two other guys, so space and privacy was severely limited. However, that meant that we also spent a lot of the time eating out of Ashley's fridge and cupboards. We had to address if I would bring my own food, if I would feed her, or if she would feed me. I think we both felt the desire to keep it somewhat "fair", but establishing what is and isn't fair becomes and incredibly complicated procedure when you also include who does dishes or cleans up after.

My advice to those that are beginning to date is to talk openly about financial expectations. Your greatest chance for success is going to come when you are able to establish who is paying for what. It is going to be uncomfortable, but a lot of conversations that you have are going to be awkward. Avoiding awkward or uncomfortable conversations is just going to prolong and worsen the situation.

Talk about:

• Dates (how often, who pays)
  
• Food (where, what kind, shared or individual)
• Commuting (where are you going to meet, hang out, is it farther for one person? does only one of you have a vehicle? will the other share gas costs?)

As it is with so many other things in life, taking action now will reduce the potential for pain later. Establish how you're going to go about dating, financially, and you'll reduce the chance for missed communication and misunderstanding.

Combining Finances: Developing Friendship

This is the first post in a series called Combining Finances.

In just over four months, I am getting married. One of the many challenges that will arise at that point will be the process of combining my bank account with my fiance's. It's one of many huge steps that we will be taking as we seek to intertwine our lives. This series of articles will be a look back over our relationship and how we dealt with our independent and collective finances.

There's no better place to start than at the beginning. When Ashley and I started developing our friendship, it was natural that we got to know how the other person was with their money. The first time that I met Ashley, she invited me over to her apartment, where she lived with a "revolving door" of roommates and guests. It was a very open and inviting apartment, one that included a regular offering of food. One time we went out to a local bar with a couple of other friends, and Ashley offered to pay for my food and my drink, simply saying, "you can get it next time". Ashley was generous with her money, even though she didn't have very much herself.

On the other hand, I came from a more frugal background. I knew how much money I had, and that I had to conserve it for the rest of the year. Therefore, if I was to go out for an evening, that was fine, I just couldn't buy very much - if anything at all. I had no shame in going to a restaurant and not getting anything, and I didn't feel bad if the tip I left was rather small.

Ashley lived in a two bedroom apartment with one other person. She understood that she could not live in a dorm type situation, because she was beyond sharing a room with another person. She wasn't comfortable with that, and therefore was willing to pay the extra money for the extra room.

I lived in a one bedroom apartment with two other guys. The inconvenience of a lack of space, privacy, and freedom came from a desire to save money - not necessarily enjoy where I was living.

So as Ashley and I developed a friendship, Ashley was often willing to pay for things that I would otherwise hesitate on. Should we grab some blizzards from Dairy Queen? I would love to have one, but didn't want to pay for one. Ashley would love one as well, but would want to buy one alone, so she would pay for my blizzard as well. If Ashley knew that I liked something, like a cheese bun from Superstore, then she would pick one up for me while she was there, simply because she knew that I would enjoy it - regardless of the cost.

This definitely developed a bit of a tension in our friendship, as she would often be willing to give, and I would be willing to take. She was expecting a balanced relationship, where I would also offer to take on the cost part of the time, but I rarely would. My priority was saving money, her priority was relationships.

At this time, even before we began a relationship, I asked myself if I would be willing to invest in a relationship with a person that had different financial priorities than me. Would I be willing to compromise, or change my priorities for the sake of the relationship?

One thing that I've learned over the past year and a half is that we aren't going to change the other person. Ashley probably thought that she would get me to loosen up a little bit, and I thought that I would teach her how to be cheap. Neither of these things has happened. We have definitely come to compromise on a lot of things, but we still have our backgrounds and our own ways of looking at money. Looking back, our friendship was a perfect time to get to know each other, a time where we could watch and learn without being emotionally invested. It allowed me to grow in understanding for Ashley's perspective. Even though we had different views on money, we both agreed that our relationship was worth more than our fiancial priorities, and that set the foundation for future discussion on the subject.

Coming up next time: The start of the dating relationship

March Review

The first month of blogging has concluded. What have I accomplished this month?

Save $100 Challenge

At the beginning of the month, I promised my readers that I could teach them how to save a hundred dollars by the end of the month. The month has come to a close, and I believe I have given everybody that has read this blog the opportunity to do just that. For those that haven't been reading, here's a quick recap so that you too can save $100 this month.

Start by tracking your spending with a spending record. See where you're spending your money so that you know where you are overspending. Sometimes just being aware of how much money you're spending on something is motivation enough to stop spending that much money. Then open a high interest online bank account so that you can separate your spending from your saving, and automate your savings so that you don't have to force yourself to save. Reduce your fixed expenses so that you save money on a monthly basis without having to do anymore work. Start an emergency fund. Finally, save a bunch of money on groceries this month. How much money did you save this month? Why not set up your finances to automatically withdraw that much money from your account every month so that you can start saving?

The Great Blog Off

The Great Blog Off comes to its conclusion today. I did not win. If you haven't voted yet, head on over to the Facebook Group page and cast your vote for your favorite blogger of the month.

April

I have started to formulate a number of plans for the month of April. One that I am willing to reveal is the start of a series on combining finances. As my fiance and I have progressed through our relationship, we have come across a number of stages of financial independence and interdependence. I will be sharing my thoughts on the stages of relationships, and how they are related to finances. I will also be addressing some of the major obstacles that we've come across, and how we have been tackling those issues.

Any questions? Comments? Concerns?